Nothing can make you feel less adequate than than the idea that you aren’t doing what you “should be doing” especially “at your age” (the worst)

When I was in high school,  I was chunky with brown 80”s hair. I wore braces for like 6 years. I was not athletic. I didn’t like studying. I made bad grades and I spent  my high school years dating a guy who smoked weed every day, came to school tripping on acid and couldn’t go to prom with me because he was busy recovering in the hospital from near-death alcohol poisoning. And I think that’s where my burden of feeling like I was never doing what I “should be doing”  all began. From the disappointment  and frustration of my parents and teachers and my lack of a quality high school career, the feeling was reinforced over and over which led to low self esteem and a lack of belief in myself.

You might say that in this case, it’s pretty apparent that I wasn’t doing what I should be doing in high school.  But I actually have a different perspective on it now, and I want to share it with you in the hopes that you might look at your own life and circumstances to see all the value of what you are doing, how that applies to your individuality and what you have to offer in the world,  instead of what you feel like you should be doing.

See if you relate to this. There have always been  people in my life,  who come to the back of my mind, serving as sort of  a measuring stick whenever I check in with myself about what and how I am doing. I  think,  “would this person do what I’m doing?” or  “am I good enough?” in a particular area. 

I mean, a little of this thinking  is ok, if the person is a mentor or leader or someone to be learned from.  Accountability and following worthy examples can mean growth at times. However,  thinking too much about what someone else would say or do in a situation can lead to us not fully living into the business of being who WE are as an individual

Another quick story:
I spent 12 years of my life living on a farm with my ex husband. We had a young son.  I never wanted to live on a farm. I am not a farm person. While my ex-husband was a good person in many ways, he was 27 years older that I was and we couldn’t have been more different. Eventually, after years of trying to fit who I was into the mold that he wanted, I finally pushed myself to get out of the situation and live life on my terms despite knowing that my son would choose not to go with me but rather, stay with his dad. You better believe I was truly torn between pursuing the life I wanted, (one I wanted to model to my son), and the judgment of others on various levels. Was I doing what I should?

Here’s the answer: Only I could say. No one else could make that call. And what I knew in my heart was that living on that farm in a rural area not growing my career the way I wanted or having the freedom to explore my life the way I was clearly designed  to did not at all align with what I knew I should be doing, regardless of what anyone else thought. 

I changed my story by taking one tiny step at a time. I divorced, moved to Nashville, became a National Educator for a luxury hair care brand, became a partner in one of the city’s most established and successful salons, started a company for on-site hair and makeup for weddings and special events and reinvented who I was a  stylist.  

That is a very over-simplified summary but it’s the nutshell. 

I am now at another crossroads deciding what I SHOULD be doing.
This time it’s career-wise. I still work behind the chair in the salon while running an on site hair and makeup company here in Nashville. I have been a brand educator with Kérastase for 10 years. I sometimes look and I think that most  “successful”  people who are my age in the salon industry no longer take clients. And for years, I thought that still standing behind a salon chair meant that I was not very successful. I felt like at a certain point, it meant that I would always just be a worker bee. 

But recently, I have started to look at it through a different lens.. I actually enjoy my clients and I love my 2 days a week behind the chair. I AM successful. I do it by choice And all I need to do to answer the question, “am I doing what I should be doing?” is remember the little girl who always loved hair thinking, that when I grew up, I would be a hairstylist”. 

By the way, my grandmother was horrified at my career choice. She had been a college educated woman in the 40’s who worked for the FBI decoding enemy communications during the second world war. She was independent, divorced and spoke French. So yeah, she pretty much grieved at the news of my upcoming hairstyling career. (She passed away when I was 22 so she was spared the many more disappointing decisions I would make over the next few decades).
But it had been a given that I was going to a four year college. No question. I looked up to my grandmother so much and gauged my performance in life early on based upon whether or not she would approve. She definitely thought I was wasting my brains and talent. But now, at 51, the little girl who could imagine nothing more magical than getting to do people’s hair every day as a job you get paid for, still finds herself loving the work. And I am not ashamed that I still “do hair” 

All this to say, do not ever feel ashamed of your choices. No matter what.

The high school experience and the 12 years on the farm didn’t keep me from my purpose. They were my experiences. I can look at them as wasted time or gifts. I choose gifts. It was what those experiences that taught me It was how they shaped me and how they unfolded that allowed me to be in the exact right place that I am now. I am equipped with everything that has transpired with the tools to move on to my next adventure and climb the next mountain. Each mountain is higher with a greater reward. 

I am happier now than ever on my own unique path, knowing it doesn’t look like anyone else’s. Knowing that through my own unique set of life and career experiences, I am equipped to be who no one else can. Only I can share, create, contribute and shine in this specific way. 

“Should” is not always the best word if  it comes from an outside perspective.
I have found though, that we can use it to declare for ourselves what is right for `us.
But only we can say what our “shoulds” should be. 

Asking yourself, what do I really want my life to be? What are my passions? What is important to me? What are my non-negotiables? Are all questions that can help lead you to know if what you are doing now is what you should be doing and  if where you are now is where you should be. We all have to answer to ourselves based on who we are and who we truly want to be. I believe our best guides and leaders are our own selves, having the experiences we have, learning and pivoting toward our greatest purpose. “Should”  comes from within. Not from the outside. Trust yourself and live unapologetically without regret.